{"id":398,"date":"2016-06-01T22:34:57","date_gmt":"2016-06-01T22:34:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.judithdhenry.com\/blog\/?p=398"},"modified":"2025-06-02T22:09:03","modified_gmt":"2025-06-02T22:09:03","slug":"are-you-the-bug-or-the-windshield-today","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.judithdhenry.com\/blog\/2016\/06\/01\/are-you-the-bug-or-the-windshield-today\/","title":{"rendered":"Are you the bug, or the windshield, today?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"worn<\/a><\/p>\n

As the Mary Chapin-Carpenter song goes, \u201cSometimes you\u2019re the windshield. Sometimes you\u2019re the bug.”\u00a0While there\u2019s simply no way to steer clear of the many challenges this caregiving journey\u00a0brings, we can learn so much from them. Here are just a few things\u00a0I discovered\u00a0along the way.<\/p>\n

In addition to constantly multi-tasking, you’re also dealing with a multitude of conflicting emotions.\u00a0Caregiving is damn hard work, and if you don’t explode once in awhile, someone needs to take your pulse. Give\u00a0yourself permission to\u00a0feel what you feel, without judgement. Sit\u00a0down with a cup of hot tea or a glass of wine, grab a\u00a0journal,<\/a><\/span> and write it out. \u00a0Venting on paper offers an opportunity\u00a0to safely process all that we\u2019re going through, and the realizations that are often unearthed can be\u00a0very powerful.<\/p>\n

When the planets align and things go according to plan, that\u2019s usually due to one person who\u2019s willing to go the extra mile (in addition to you, of course).\u00a0Maybe it\u2019s the doctor\u2019s receptionist who slides your dad in for an appointment on a day you can be there; or the nurse\u2019s aide at your mom\u2019s rehab facility who always treats her with such respect. To acknowledge such kindness, I maintain a stash of thank you cards and inexpensive gifts like pretty notepads, hand-made soaps from a local artisan<\/a>,<\/span>\u00a0$5 gift cards from Starbucks. Small gestures like this can can have a big impact, because they’re\u00a0so unexpected. The caveat is that you have to do it for yourself, as well. For me, a small reward was heading to a\u00a0favorite\u00a0thrift store for a $3 treasure, or 15 minutes of quiet\u00a0with a good cup of coffee from my\u00a0favorite cafe.<\/p>\n

Reach out to a support group, either close to home or online. You may think you don\u2019t need this, but the reality is that caregiving takes a village. Isolation is a very real concern that can affect your mental and physical health. These communities\u00a0are a way to make friends, receive support and encouragement, and gather helpful strategies from people who are living\u00a0the tough stuff every day. Many focus on special needs\u00a0like caring for a loved one with dementia (check out Brenda Avadian\u2019s site, The Caregiver’s Voice<\/a><\/span>), or\u00a0working daughters caring for aging parents (Liz O\u2019Donnell of WorkingDaughter.com<\/span> <\/a>has a\u00a0site that offers great advice and support, and a\u00a0FaceBook group<\/a>\u00a0that offers the same<\/span><\/span>.)<\/span><\/p>\n

Accept help early on, while people are most likely to offer, even if you think everything\u2019s under control. The reality is that the longer you go on doing it all yourself, the less people tend to believe you need assistance. Be specific. Maybe it\u2019s asking someone to bring a meal; or having a friend sit with the family member you\u2019re caring for, so you can take a break for a few hours. Make a list that includes daily, weekly or monthly chores that others can perform, and when someone says, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do” be ready with, “Well, actually there is. How about……” Believe me, this points out\u00a0who you can count on\u00a0pretty quick.<\/p>\n

Maintaining a sense of humor while caregiving isn\u2019t a luxury. It\u2019s a necessity. Laughter, even the dark kind, allows your body to relax during stressful times. But, did you know it\u00a0can also keep you from being crushed by emotion? It\u00a0saved me countless times, especially the\u00a0last day I spent with my father at the hospital, simply holding his hand. When the nurse asked if I wanted someone from the clergy to visit, I asked for a rabbi. As\u00a0he entered the room, I couldn\u2019t help thinking that he didn\u2019t look like a member of my tribe. Reading my mind, this lovely man said, with an apologetic smile, \u201cI\u2019m not Jewish, but will an Episcopalian do?\u201d In that instant, I laughed. Not a nervous titter, but a loud, life-affirming sound that provided me with what I needed most \u2013 release and relief.<\/p>\n

I once read that, \u201cIf only\u201d is the saddest phrase in the English language. Don\u2019t become a prisoner of regret after a parent is gone. Be generous now with some simple, yet powerful phrases. \u201cI love you.\u201d Thank you. I forgive you. Please forgive me.\u201d You would be amazed at their ability to bring about positive change in a relationship. A great book on this subject is Ira Byock\u2019s,\u00a0The Four Things That Matter Most<\/span><\/a><\/span>.\u201d<\/p>\n

What I continue to realize is that we are all in this together, and sharing our experiences\u00a0is how we begin to change things for the better. Why not take a minute and offer up\u00a0some of your own hard-earned wisdom?<\/p>\n

<\/h4>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As the Mary Chapin-Carpenter song goes, \u201cSometimes you\u2019re the windshield. Sometimes you\u2019re the bug.”\u00a0While there\u2019s simply no way to steer clear of the many challenges this caregiving journey\u00a0brings, we can learn so much from them. Here are just a few things\u00a0I discovered\u00a0along the way. In addition to constantly multi-tasking, you’re also dealing with a multitude […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":406,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[21,27,26],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.judithdhenry.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/398"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.judithdhenry.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.judithdhenry.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.judithdhenry.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.judithdhenry.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=398"}],"version-history":[{"count":45,"href":"https:\/\/www.judithdhenry.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/398\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":449,"href":"https:\/\/www.judithdhenry.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/398\/revisions\/449"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.judithdhenry.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/406"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.judithdhenry.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=398"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.judithdhenry.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=398"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.judithdhenry.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=398"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}